#felt nice to get this out of my system even if its not going anywhere for a while lol

[glossyhex]

rafe cameron x shy!pogue!reader | protective rafe but like... softer | kinda cringe but just a lil 🤏🏽

❦ Bittersweet ⭑ req open

you weren’t even sure why you came.

it was topper’s party, which already meant chaos, beer spills, and too many kooks acting like they owned the island. rafe had told you it’d just be a “chill thing,” and you’d believed him.

he'd kissed your forehead and said, "they're not gonna mess with you, baby. not when you’re with me."

but now he was outside. fighting with some guy over god knows what. and you were in here, alone, sitting on a couch that smelled like old cologne and arrogance.

you were keeping to yourself, like always. head down, drink untouched, wishing you were back at the chateau or literally anywhere else. you could feel their eyes before you heard the words.

“isn’t she from the cut?” “yeah. pogue, 100%. figures.” “kinda weird rafe’s slumming it. he must be bored.” “does she even talk? she’s like… a mute.”

you didn’t move. didn’t look up. but your throat tightened, and you blinked hard.

they didn’t know you. but it didn’t matter. in rooms like this, names and silence said enough.

then the front door slammed.

hard.

you heard boots across the floor. voices stopped.

and then his voice low, and sharp,

“say it again.”

no one answered. of course they didn’t.

“nah, go on. you had a lot to say about my girl, right?”

you looked up slowly. rafe was standing there, eyes wild, chest rising and falling like he’d run a mile. his jaw was clenched so tight it looked painful.

“what, she’s quiet so she’s weak? she’s from the cut so that makes her less?” he snapped, stepping forward. “you think i give a f*ck about your opinions?”

someone laughed nervously. bad move.

rafe turned on them. “you’re fake. all of you. you talk sht about the only person who actually gives a damn about me. she’s the only real thing in this whole fcking room.”

you swore the whole house held its breath.

he turned to you then. softer... still on edge, but different now.

“come here.”

and you did. like muscle memory.

his arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you tight against him. “you okay?” he asked, voice low against your ear.

you nodded, even though your eyes stung. he felt it, kissed your cheek anyway.

then back to the room. louder:

“y’all talk about loyalty but don’t know what the fuck it looks like. keep my girl’s name out your mouth. next time, i won’t be this nice.”

and then you were gone. hand in his. out the door. out of that world.

he didn’t even say anything once you were in the car — just stared at the wheel for a second before whispering, “i should’ve stayed with you.”

and then, after a beat, “you wanna go for a drive? just you and me?”

you nodded.

and he smiled, the kind of smile no one else got. just you.

needed to get this soft!rafe out my system 🧸

reqs open if ur feeling shy!reader vibes

[ruesol]

What makes one an ex-convict part 2

(this drabble is based off of my ex-convict!sukuna x academically burnt out reader prompt)

Icy rain beats down on your shoulders even when the world is past the ides of October.

You push through the crowd of people at the train station, hoping to get home as fast as possible, The comfort of the semi-claustrophobic walls waiting for you.

Gojo had offered to drop you home but you needed space to process what you had just learned. Ears ringing, calves aching, and body drenched, yet all you can think about is how coolly Sukuna intervened your meetup and how easy it was for him to suggest harming your friend.

Grown middle aged men returning from work leer at you, catching a glimpse of the skin above your knees as you sat down, so you pulled your trench coat tighter around your body, feeling uncomfortable. Even then, protecting yourself felt secondary because your mind began to reel about how Sukuna’s men could be anywhere.

A drug lord.

You felt sick, your dinner bubbling up to your throat as your stomach churned. A phantom acrid flavor spreading on the back of your tongue.

Paranoid, your eyes search for him everywhere, hoping that he wasn’t following you. Every flash of pink sets your heart on fire.

When you’re about to shove your key into your apartment door’s keyhole, you notice that the door is already ajar and a hollowing realization sets itself in your mind.

Sukuna is already sitting on your bed, his weight on the flimsy mattress makes his knees bend at a comical angle—this only reminds you just how much space he takes up by existing alone.

His suit jacket is strewn on the floor, and the first three buttons of his dress-shirt are undone. When he looks up, all you can see is heady desire, and a desperate glint of curiosity.

“H-how did you get in?” You didn’t feel very tipsy on your way back, but you could still feel sobriety return to your system like a cold splash of water.

Sukuna stands up, making the springs in the mattress squeak when it retakes its shape, and he walks towards you. Chest-to-chest, red eyes staring into glassy ones. Your legs tremble in your too tall heels as you stumble back, but Sukuna secures a hand around your waist and leans down to your ear.

“No matter what corner of the world you go to, I will find you. You don’t understand how deep my connections run. Either come with me or live here.” His breath hits your ears like a puff of warm smoke. He smells like tobacco and sandalwood, you didn’t know many men to compare him to, but you could tell that his tastes were expensive despite how old his truck looked.

“Get out,” you rasp out, hands already on his chest to push him away.

But Sukuna gathered your wrists in a single hand and he tilts your chin up. “Be nice to me if you want your friend to live.”

“Okay.” You weren’t sure if he had even heard you at the volume you had spoken. Your mind was too discombobulated at the thought that you could go to jail for simply knowing him. Your frown deepens till your muscles hurt.

“Good. I better hear back from you soon.”

You don’t get to reply that you have an exam later that week when Sukuna pulls you in for a heated kiss. His tongue swipes along yours as he groans in your mouth. You taste faint traces of wine on him. It’s bitter compared to the one you had with Gojo.

He leaves one last peck on your forehead before slamming the door shut and you fall to your knees, going light-headed at the fact that you now had a drug lord on your tail.

—

taglist: @scorpiosugar @gradmacoco @sirenpearldust @bozos-r-us @onnikaedia @fangirlingbookworm1

[wooahaes]

at the end of a day

pairing: non-idol!s.coups x gn!reader

genre: fluff. established relationship.

warnings: food mentions. alcohol mentions (reader mentioned to drink several cocktails). very very vague reference to these two having a sex life toward the end, but its all just fluff and casual intimacy between an engaged couple.

word count: 0.9k~

daisy's notes: man who has heart eyes fr i think

Seungcheol liked getting the chance to spoil you. Birthdays, anniversaries, or just because… He thrived on getting to see you smile. Tonight he was sitting across from you in a restaurant, the lights kept lower for a more intimate setting. While neither of you had to dress up to be here, there was something nice about putting in a little more effort to his appearance for things like this. Maybe if it wasn’t your birthday, the two of you would have ended up somewhere much more casual, just enjoying the evening together. Now he just savored the opportunity to watch you enjoy your dinner… and the sight of the engagement ring on your finger whenever it caught the light.

“You’re staring again,” you said, picking up your glass to take another sip of your cocktail. “You always do this when we go out, you know.”

Maybe he did. He’d only proposed a few weeks ago, so the giddiness truly hadn’t worn off entirely… plus there was something a little more exciting about being in public. He could look at you at home and be the same deeply-in-love-with-you Seungcheol that he always was: comfortable and so, so thankful to have you in his life. But the moment the two of you went anywhere together, he always seemed to have a comment about your engagement locked and ready to go the moment someone showed even the slightest interest. He’d already gushed a little to the waitress about your engagement when she took note of your ring. She ended up saying something about wishing both of you well and that the two of you truly seemed happy with each other.

Whether it was just a stereotypical “this isn’t my job” kind of comment or not… At least you knew it was true. 

“I can’t help it,” he admitted. “I like talking about you.” 

“I thought the honeymoon period was for after we were married,” you teased a little. You went to set your glass down, only to stop, staring at it for a moment. Then, with a tiny pout, you looked at him. “Cheollie…” 

Ah. Busting out the Cheollie usually meant a lot of things, actually… but he knew. He held out his hand. This wasn’t your first cocktail of the night, and you typically ended up passing the last one to him anyway when you felt you couldn’t drink anymore. “I’ll finish it for you,” he said. “I’ll ask for another glass of water next time I see our waitress.” 

With a slight giggle, you returned to your dinner. “Thank you, honey.” 

When the end of the night had finally rolled around, Seungcheol had guided you back out to his car with his hand resting at the base of your spine, mindful of the alcohol in your system. You’d been quiet on the ride home, just watching him with this soft look in your eyes that always seemed to find you when you weren’t sober. He was used to you getting much more giggly whenever you drank, but the same thing sometimes pulled back the curtains and showed him just how tired you could be at the end of a day. So he guided you home by the hand, thumb running across your knuckles before he let go of it to unlock your front door. 

Undressing you without the intention of it going anywhere became commonplace on nights where one of you drank while the other didn’t. As much as a drunk tryst sounded fun… the older the two of you grew, the more tired you felt after a night of drinking. You were already about to fall asleep now, the excitement of your birthday having worn off. Maybe another night, when both of you were feeling up to it. Your sleepiness had infected him anyway. He’d carefully helped you into your pajamas, planting a quick kiss against your lips before you left his side to go through your own nightly routine. He stripped, dropped your clothes and his into the laundry basket (tomorrow, he told himself: you’d pout at him if he tried to stay up longer, and he’d be unable to resist cuddling with you if you did that). Eventually, he edged his way in next to you at the bathroom sink, reaching for his toothbrush.

You finished your own little ritual before he did, pressing a sleepy kiss against his arm before making your way to bed. He’d be there soon enough, once he’d washed his face. And when he did, you’d already reached out for him, eager for him to hold you while you dozed off. 

“Hi, baby.” You giggled as he crawled into bed. The second he had settled, you were already moving into his arms, resting your cheek against his chest. “Thank you for dinner.”

He stretched one arm out to turn the final lamp off, plunging the two of you into darkness before he returned to holding you. “It’s your birthday, silly,” he said. “It’s what you wanted.”

“Thank you,” you mumbled, legs intertwining with his, “for finishing my cocktails for me when I can’t. And for not drinking so you could drive us home. And…” The warmth of his body, the alcohol in your system, the fact you were already tired… You weren’t asleep yet, but Seungcheol could count the seconds until you fully nodded off.

He just chuckled, tracing circles onto your back. “Happy birthday,” he said, and smiled again when you pressed a tiny kiss onto his chest in response. “Don’t be upset if we sleep in tomorrow, okay?”

“‘m lookin’ forward to it,” you had softly laughed. “Goodnight, my Cheollie.”

Seungcheol shut his eyes, squeezing your side one final time. “Goodnight, my love.” 

[i-like-forcefem]

i have a feeling i know what you're going to say but, do you think its weird for me as a singlet to be into forceplural? im friends with a number of systems, and i know there's difficulties i'm not privy to, but it just seems,,, nice

Not at all cutie!!!

And it is nice!!! Being a system means you’re never alone, when times get rough you have someone else who can step in and control your body for you

Plus from my observations: everyone is a lot more plural then they’re letting on! I believe anyone could unrepress their plurality! Including you!

As far as I know every single plural person has doubts about not really being plural, and after deepening myself into hypnosis, I think the most important thing if you want to be plural is to just let yourselves be

Each plural experience is different, we personally always still feel like “Me”, but the lense through which we see the world, how respond to situations, and how our emotions feel is different from headmate to headmate

But when we notice such a shift in lenses, feeling like what we did before is suddenly not interesting before, or all of a sudden we’re a lot more active then we ever really are, then just take a second and think “wait am I the host?” If not, pick out a name for yourself!!! Start a simply plural! Talk about it with your friends!

Sorry that this is all so rambley! But we also started out as simply “wanting to be plural” before realising that “hey those couple days were we felt on cloud 9 and acted so so differently from ever before are a little suspicious” and that led to me picking out my name, and before we knew it we were a merry band of 5! And then I absorbed the host!!!

I don’t know if I’m going anywhere with that, except to say just go for it!!! I believe in you! (And even if you have absolutely no experiences you could call being plural, well just make a tulpa!!! That’s how we started before releasing I was here!)

[andreabandrea]

I absolutely don't mean this in a bad way, but I think a lot about how Pokemon is a power fantasy for kids. And I know this is obvious because it's a game for children, but let me ramble.

Think about it: you can go wherever you want, knowing you're safe because your Pokemon will protect you. In the later games, you can dress however you want and express yourself freely. You can connect with nature and communities of friendly kids and adults around you. You can make a meaningful, positive impact on the world. You can stand toe-to-toe with adults who, in real life, would ignore or even belittle you because you're just a kid. (And, of course, you have superpowered pets that love you.)

I think about how in the original games, Brock and Misty are presented as kids/young teens and become friends with Ash. But, Lt. Surge presents a difficulty spike-- if you chose Bulbasaur, you can easily sweep the first two gyms with it, but now you don't have a supereffective match up unless you plan more. I think it's meaningful, then, that Lt. Surge is portrayed a big, scary adult man and military to boot. In the anime, he's presented as being condescending and intimidating toward Ash. But, you as the player are able to overcome this intimidating man through the power of your Pokemon. The same can be said for people like Team Rocket and Giovanni-- Giovanni's original sprite in Red & Blue makes it look like he's looming over you, sneering at you.

It can easily be forgotten by adult fans, but you're seeing this world through the perspective of a child. Giovanni looming over you represents how it feels to be a child, powerless, and face an adult who's cruel to you. But you defeat him at every match up.

Satoshi Tajiri would go on to say that Pokemon was inspired by his childhood, in which he'd go out and collect bugs. Miyamoto would say that the first Zelda game was inspired by his childhood in which he'd explore the local area and caves and so on.

It makes me sad to think that, as the world becomes more modern, more urbanized, and (as parents tend to see it, at least) more unsafe, this childhood that inspired these classic games become further out of reach for kids. When I was growing up, I lived in a suburb full of concrete. I couldn't walk anywhere, and even if I could, my mother was too anxious to let me just go around unsupervised.

This is why getting the bike is such a big moment in Pokemon-- you can go so much farther as a kid on a bike! But, I also could only ride my bike up and down my boring street before running into a major street full of cars going 50 MPH that would have murdered me instantly.

This isn't a doom post. I still believe that we can repair the damage that capitalism and cars have done to the world. But, I think that in times like this, it's more important than ever for kids to have access to these power fantasies, these escapes from a world that they have no ability to fix, but still suffer from regardless.

Ironically, I think that when I play Pokemon now, I play it to feel smaller rather than to feel bigger, the opposite of how I played it as a kid. Now, it's comforting to escape from work and stress into a world in which your only concerns are walking to the next town, catching a new Pokemon, and maybe fighting a gym leader. The same can be said of any piece of media that someone is nostalgic for, but I think Pokemon feeds into it well because its design is so baked in the experience of being a child.

When I'm playing Pokemon, especially when replaying an old game, I still remember things like only saving in Pokemon centers so that my character could sleep there in a nice building, or imagining them setting up camp if I had to save and quit on a route. If I had time, I would feed my Pokemon some Pokeblocks or etc. at my little 'camp' so they wouldn't be hungry (which is why I felt like the cooking and camping systems from SwSh were so real for me, haha).

I don't think that there's a 'wrong' way to play Pokemon-- I know people enjoy competitive Pokemon, and strict challenge runs, and stuff. And I can enjoy that, too! But, for me, Pokemon is about childhood, you know?

[theredstargalaxy]

Ah, it's that time of year once again, everyone! Happy Pride Month to every single one of my queer brothers, sisters, and siblings! Though every month should be Pride Month, we sadly aren't living in a time where society is ready for that-- though I hope that time comes soon. For now, let's take a moment to not only celebrate our queerness, but to remember those who have sadly been taken from us too soon. I hope that, wherever they may be, they're happy, safe, and loved. And that they get every ounce of acceptance and respect that they deserved in life. Whether they be with God, Allah, Yeshua, Odin, Zeus, or the Great Spirit, I hope they're at ease, and living their afterlives in the bodies they should have been born into-- in loving relationships with whomever they love.

Though their loss still cuts deep, and the pain is still felt, we have to look to the present moment. We need to be in the here and now, and appreciate those of us who are lucky enough to still breathe. Our minds, though burdened with anger and frustration, must stay with those who need us now. We can't do anything for those who are gone, but we can help the ones who are still here. We need to help the younger generation. We need to guide them just as our elders had guided us. We must be their rock, their warm blanket, their sanctuary. We must provide for them while the wider world cannot. As long as the world isn't willing to take its queer children into her loving arms, we must be as surrogates. We must nurture and love them like they're our own children. And in doing so, build a brighter future for the next generation of queer people.

But for now, let's celebrate queerness in our own wild, fanciful ways! Let's wave our flags, strut through the streets, and sing at the top of our lungs! Let's let the world know that we're still here, and that we aren't going anywhere any time soon!

Boys? Would you like to say a few words?

'Sup, fuckers? (/lh) It's finally pride month! Ya know what that means! It's time to be queer as fuck! Guys, go out with your makeup on! Go support trans owned shops! Go to your local church and make out with your partners in front of baby Jesus! (/j)

Nah, but jokes aside, it's a damn good time to be you, yeah? Go wear that pretty little sundress ya bought yesterday-- or put on that nice ass tux-- and go out on the town. Y'all are a motherfuckin' experience, and y'all deserve to be seen! Now go out there and show 'em what bein' human's all about!

~Toya

Wow, it's already been a year since we made that pride month post on our old blog. Time sure does fly, doesn't it? One moment, you're starting the new year, then ya blink and it's June. Talk about fast...

But that isn't why we're here, is it? Nah. We're here to be queer! Jokes aside, I know how hard this month can be for some of you. Some of you don't have a support system-- crappy family, crappy "friends", crappy religious leaders-- but don't let that get you down! Those people easily settled for misery, and they're angry that no one else wants to do the same. Don't let them dictate what you do with your life-- they have no say in what you do, who you love, or what you are inside. They're too busy trying to keep their own status quo that they don't realize it's tethered them to the ground. The status quo is a dead weight, keeping them from taking flight. Don't be like them-- don't let some fragile sense of normalcy weigh you down. Spread your wings, and take to the skies. Be who you are inside, regardless of what everyone else may think. Who knows? Maybe some of them might follow. Take care of yourselves--take care of each other, yeah?

~Kiego

I'm usually not one to do pep talks-- I'm not really good at them, even if I have some prime examples to go by. Never the less, I'll try to at least say something encouraging-- perhaps even offer up some form of scientific arguments you all can use on the naysayers.

Firstly, I'd like to offer you all one simple phrase: You are not broken. Your identity--and your attractions-- are not a mental illness. By 1973, homosexuality had been removed from the DSM, and in 2013, Gender Identity Disorder was replaced with Gender Dysphoria, focusing on the everyday stress and anxiety that trans people experience instead of pathologizing them. Even still, the world somehow still isn't ready for you all, even if science is. It's...pretty sad, actually. Though, we aren't here to dwell on that.

One of my personal favorite arguments is that it's "unnatural". And that's due to the fact that you can use the natural world as an example. Swans, for instance. 20% of black swans are in gay relationships, and are capable of raising offspring together. Clownfish are able to change their sex depending on the breeding environment. Certain species of frogs can change their gender in a same sex environment. Male lions have been observed mounting one another, and there have been known instances of biologically female lions sporting manes and expressing male behaviors. There are hundreds if not thousands of other examples if you actively look for them. If anyone gives you that argument, just fire off a round of those facts, and watch the confidence and color drain from their face.

I want all of you to know that there's nothing wrong with being who you are. If you feel as though you should be in a suit instead of a dress, then by all means go for the suit. Go take your significant other to dinner at a nice place-- or just share fries from McDonalds. I won't judge. Give them a kiss. Tell them you love them. But most importantly: Don't let some uneducated, sewer-dwelling scum tell you that what you are is wrong. Remember that you deserve love, dignity, and respect. Please take care of yourselves today-- take care of yourselves every day.

~Kai

[part-time-zombie]

What To Expect

pairings: logince (platonic, can be read as romantic)

summary: roman didn't think anyone else would be up this late at night, especially not logan. an unexpected encounter leads to a much needed heart-to-heart between the two, one that may lead them in the right direction towards mutual understanding.

tags/warnings: hurt/comfort, angst, angst with a happy ending

word count: 3864

a/n: this is basically my Night Owls fic, but if roman was the one to run into logan instead of remus. also this is like the second fic i've ever written (wow).

Roman couldn’t sleep. This was bad enough on its own, as Roman usually preferred to get plenty of beauty rest, but what was worse about tonight was why he was still awake.

Over the past few days, or maybe weeks, it felt as if a dark cloud had settled over his mind and heart in the wake of all that had happened between him and the others after the wedding, and that in any moment a horrible storm would come erupting to the surface if he didn’t do something about it first. He felt restless and tense and generally very unlike himself, and he was desperate to find a way to get this awful feeling out of his system so he could just get back to normal.

The thought of actually talking about what he was feeling had crossed his mind before, but he squashed the idea down as quickly as it had come up. Firstly, the notion that Roman was so pathetically helpless that he had to rely on someone else just to get a grip on his own fleeting, fickle feelings was simply laughable. He may be a pauper’s excuse for a prince, but he still had his pride to protect. Secondly, even if he did decide to bite the bullet and seek out some form of comfort from someone else, who exactly could he go to in the first place? Remus wouldn’t care to listen to anything like this, and Virgil really didn’t need someone else’s problems to worry about on top of everything else. As nice as a supportive hug from Patton sounded, there was no way he could go to him either. He just stood by and let Thomas choose that lying snake over him, actualizing the dreaded fact that Roman had fallen from grace and from Thomas’ favor. Patton listened to Janus instead of him without even trying to look sorry about it. No, there was no way he could talk to Patton about any of this, and he sure as hell wasn’t bringing this anywhere near Janus.

He doubted he could talk to Logan, either. Logan was probably the best side to go to for something like this, he could keep Remus in line without so much as breaking a sweat after all, and he was always capable of solving the other sides’ problems. He always knew what to do, what to say. And yet, Roman knew it was a bad idea. He knew he could stand to be more observant overall, but he could always tell how people thought of him when he talked to them. He had lost count of the vast amount of rolled eyes, defeated sighs, and outright hateful glares Logan had thrown his way. It didn’t stop there however. He had gradually noticed just how stressed and tired Logan had seemed as of late. If Roman came up to Logan and forced him to put his own work aside to coddle and comfort him right now, he’d probably despise him forever. Not that he would blame him.

A particularly loud rumbling from his stomach pulled Roman from his thoughts. He really hadn’t eaten very much today; he had hardly even left his room for any more than necessary. Maybe if he ate something he’d feel a little bit better, or at least be able to finally get some sleep. It was worth a shot either way, so Roman quietly crept downstairs to the kitchen in search of anything that would serve as a semi-satisfactory midnight snack.

And nearly tripped over himself in shock on the last step.

Logan was still up, which in and of itself wasn’t particularly unordinary, as Logan was usually one of the last sides to retire for the night, but he had never expected to see him like this.

He was sitting in the living room with a glass of wine and a plate full of Crofters on toast on the coffee table beside him, but he wasn’t reading a textbook or going over one of his notebooks like normal. He was resting on the floor and working on a crossword puzzle. Weirder still, he was in his unicorn onesie, and as the hood fell back with an absentminded shake of the head from Logan, Roman saw that he was currently listening to something on his earbuds. He looked soft and almost happy in a way that Roman hadn’t seen in a very long time. The most surprising thing of all of this to Roman was the fact that Logan was smiling. It was a small smile, more relaxed than enthused, but it was still an authentic smile. He looked so calm and light and completely at peace that Roman forgot why he had come downstairs in the first place, the hunger in his stomach quickly replaced with butterflies. He had never seen Logan like this before and he doubted he would ever get the chance again, and if Roman were a little more aware of himself right now, he would have slipped back upstairs as silently as he had come before Logan could so much as suspect that he had still been awake at all. He ought to do just that, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away from the incredible and impossible sight before him, completely transfixed by Logan's smile.

Which is why Logan finally caught sight of him lurking on the stairs and staring at him.

He had merely lifted his head up from the page in a stretch when he froze, wide eyes locked onto Roman's. The smile disappeared in an instant and was replaced with a look of sheer terror. Logan rushed to his feet in a dash, a desperate excuse or plea trying to stumble free from his shaking lips as Roman quickly moved from his point on the stairs to join him, reaching out to calm and quiet him. It didn’t seem to help very much.

“I, um, don’t- it’s not what it looks like. Please don’t say anything, or tell anyone, ever, please. It’s nothing, I was doing nothing, so just forget whatever it is you didn’t see,” Logan said in a rush, changing out of his onesie and back into his ordinary outfit as he stood up.

Roman couldn’t think of anything to say to calm him down right now. He had seen Logan angry, seen him excited, seen him disappointed, even seen him scared and saddened before, but he had never seen him so embarrassed like this. He didn’t know Logan could be this bashful.

“Woah, it’s okay, specs. Don’t freak out or anything, alright? I didn’t mean to spook you like that. I swear I had no idea you were still awake. I was just trying to get a snack,” he explained.

Logan shifted where he stood, eyes darting between Roman and the stairs behind him, as if debating on if he could make a run for it or checking to see if anyone else was awake. Upon seeing that he couldn’t get past the stairs without passing Roman, he quickly took out his earbuds as he straightened his posture and fixed an impassive look on his face.

“Well, I certainly didn’t mean to disturb you, Roman, though I must suggest you try to get some rest after you’ve eaten. It’s rather late, and a good nights sleep is essential to ones health.”

Logan managed to switch from being open and vulnerable to calm and indifferent with such practiced ease that it would almost be impressive, were it not currently concerning. How many times had Logan shut himself down like this for it to be so effortless? How many times had he had to practice this kind of restraint, and how could Roman not have noticed it until now? As much as he wanted to ask, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. Roman instead focused on the smaller matter at hand; what exactly was Logan doing out here in the middle of the night?

“Aren’t you awake right now, too?” he countered. It was merely meant to be lightly teasing but going by Logan’s reaction, it must have sounded more accusatory than anything. Logan tensed minutely before looking away, where his eyes fell upon the still open crossword on the floor. He quickly bent down and retrieved it, holding it close to his chest in an almost protective manner.

“What were you doing up so late, anyway?” Roman added, too curious to be courteous.

Logan didn’t answer right away, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. Roman couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for making him so uneasy, but right now he was far too interested in what it was that had gotten Logan so defensive.

“… Nothing,” he finally answered.

“Get real, you were obviously doing something, Logan.”

“No, I wasn’t. I was, quite literally, doing nothing. That was the point,” he explained with a sigh. He fixed his gaze on Roman, a steely expression on his face. “Everyone has their own method to de-stress when they find themselves feeling overwhelmed. If I recall, you mentioned how singing to yourself was a coping mechanism you usually rely on. This is mine. Or at least, it was, before you decided to interrupt me. Though, I shouldn’t have been so foolish as to be so open in the common room like this. I assure you I will keep any and all future de-stressing sessions in my room from here on out, so you need not worry about me bothering you like this again.”

 “Logan, you didn’t bother me. If anything, I was just surprised seeing you so tranquil. What all is it that you do when you unlax like this?” he asked.

“What does it matter?”

“Well, I’d kind of want to know what it is that makes you so happy.”

“Why?” Logan asked, and despite the question seeming inquisitive, he asked it with the deadpan, defeated tone of someone who didn’t really see the point in the answer.

“It’s just, I don’t often see you so open like that, other than when you’re around Crofters, that is.” He said, lips upturning as the memory of their duet resurfaced. “And I’m honestly surprised you still have that onesie of yours. I thought you said they were too childish for you.”

Logan didn’t seem to share Roman's fondness for the recollection. He flinched just minutely enough for Roman to notice it before straightening his already stiff posture. “Yes, well, I suppose some habits can be somewhat hard to break. It’s nothing for you to bring up again, especially not to the others. Just leave it alone, Roman.”

“Logan, I’m not making fun of you here-”

“That’s a first,” he retorted with an almost exaggerated eyeroll.

Roman was stunned. “What are you… what do you mean?”

“Oh, please. I am not blind to the unmitigated plethora of mockery and insults you’ve thrown my way. ‘Sub-astute teacher’, ‘Squad-less geek’, ‘Microsoft nerd’, ‘Drama turd’, ‘Nerdy Wolverine’. I know you don’t exactly think highly of me, Roman, and that’s alright. We don’t have to like each other, as long as Thomas is doing well you can hate me as much as you want. It’s fine.”

Roman felt like he had just been sucker-punched in the gut. Every nickname Logan spat back at him was ringing in his ears with the sickening realization that Logan actually thought he meant them. It was all just supposed to be harmless banter, jokes to be lightheartedly exchanged like he and Virgil did. They weren’t actually… Logan couldn’t possibly believe…

“Logan, I don’t hate you. I never meant to make you feel that way, I didn’t mean any of it,” Roman started, but Logan cut him off with a scoff.

“Forgive me for my skepticism, but I find it very hard to believe you right now. I already told you; you are allowed to dislike me. I don’t mind. And I know that tomorrow you will undoubtedly use what you witnessed tonight as additional ammunition for your jokes, but I would still appreciate it if you tried to exercise some restraint. I do have a reputation to uphold, after all. Or at least, I should.”

Roman was speechless. Logan really thought that Roman despised him. He even thought that he would go so far as to make fun of him for finally unwinding like this, as if the mere sight of Logan in such a relaxed state didn’t fill Roman with light. Memories clouded his vision, images of Logan smiling and laughing about something silly, the sweet sound of Logan's singing as he lit up at the sight of his own jam, all of the times when he seemed so eager to participate in something jovial and juvenile. The memories shifted, revealing how many times Roman or the others had judged and chastised him for doing so, acting like he shouldn’t enjoy such things at all, despite it now being clear how much joy they had brought him. Logan had seemed so eager to participate in those light-hearted festivities, but Roman and the others made him feel like he couldn’t even enjoy his favorite food without criticism. He couldn’t even remember the last time he heard Logan laugh or even saw him smile before tonight. Is that why he was out here so late at night? Did he feel like he could only let go like this when no one was there to tell him he couldn’t? All because of the expectations everyone else had about him. How could Roman have let it get this bad?

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, so quietly that he was uncertain if he had even said the words out loud. Logan must have still heard him, though. His eyes widened in surprise, jaw falling open slightly. His arms dropped to his sides, one hand still absentmindedly holding his puzzle book. He shook his head ever so slowly as if struggling to comprehend what was happening. Roman could see denial forming in his mind, as if he were unable to accept what he was hearing.

“Logan, please,” Roman started. He took a breath and proceeded, desperate to make Logan understand. “I am really, truly, sorry. I never meant to hurt you like this. I had no idea how badly it was affecting you, but I promise you I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want this at all.”

“Then what did you want?” he asked, voice low and wavering.

“I wanted to engage with you. Those jokes, that’s all they were meant to be. Just jokes, ones I was hoping you’d return to me. I only meant for it to be witty banter, quips we could throw back and forth. I remember how you looked during that little rap battle thing we did. You looked so excited, so cool, you really seemed to be having fun. Not to mention how impressive it was. I was honestly amazed with how quickly you came up with those rhymes. And I liked having that kind of fun with you, Logan. I wanted to do more things like that with you. You used to smile so much back then, and you were so enthusiastic about everything. Dressing like Sherlock, making all those witty comebacks, even you wearing that unicorn onesie I know you love. You should have been allowed to indulge in all of those things that make you so happy, but instead of encouragement you were met with mockery. All those comments I made weren’t meant to put you down, they were supposed to inspire you to involve yourself in the banter more, to be just as silly as the rest of us. I should have noticed how it wasn’t being taken that way, so I’m sorry, Logan. I never wanted this for you.”

Logan stared back at him for a moment, blinking rapidly before clearing his throat. “Well, I suppose it is good to know that. I will definitely take all of this into account moving forward. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe it is best for me to retire for the night. You should too, might I add.” Logan then moved to the coffee table, taking his things and disposing of them with one final swig of his wine. He worked quickly, shoulders visibly tense even underneath his shirt, and Roman didn’t know if he ought to help him or stop him before he dropped something or hurt himself. He found himself doing neither, too surprised to do anything other than stare as Logan desperately tried to ignore what had been said. After putting everything away as if he had never been there Logan tried his best to move swiftly past Roman, who had been standing near the stairs the whole time. Roman almost let him go, but the urge to ensure that Logan was alright compelled him to act instead.

He reached out a hand and grabbed Logan's arm as he passed, not hard or firm, just to stop him from leaving. Logan reacted as if he were burned. He tensed and violently tore his arm away, taking a few steps back, with his other hand absently rubbing at the spot where Roman's had been. His face was filled with surprise and shock, and Roman was sure he shared that same expression.

“Logan, are you alright? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he asked nervously. He took a step closer only for Logan to take another step back, keeping that same distance between them. He didn’t think he had grabbed him that hard, but he had definitely startled him at the very least. He backed off instead, granting Logan some space. Some of the tension left him at that, but he still seemed pensive about something. Roman wanted to punch himself in the face. He had only wanted to make sure Logan wasn’t too terribly upset after everything, but now he had gone and broken him.

“I really didn’t mean to scare you like that. I just wanted to… I don’t know. I guess I wanted to comfort you. You looked really stressed and I thought I’d try to help in some way. I’m really sorry.”

“…It’s alright,” Logan replied. He didn’t seem hurt, at least, but something was still weighing on him. “You just surprised me, that’s all. I’m fine. You don’t need to worry, you did nothing wrong.”

Roman wanted to believe him, but he couldn’t help but feel doubt gnawing at the back of his skull. No one would react that intensely to a hand on their arm unless there was something going on. Maybe Logan didn’t like being touched, he certainly never involved himself in any hugs or cuddles with the others. If that were the case, then Roman just up and grabbing him like that could have really upset him, despite what Logan had said.

“I don’t think that’s all true,” Roman murmured. Logan looked back up at him as he said this, but he continued. “Logan, are you sure you’re alright? I get that you probably don’t like being touched, so I get it if I upset you by grabbing you like that.”

“That’s not it, Roman,” Logan explained rather quickly. “You didn’t hurt me at all, I just didn’t see it coming. I suppose I’m just a bit unused to sudden bouts of physical contact like that, that’s all.” He looked away as he said this, almost shyly. “I haven’t exactly been held very much,” he muttered that last part to himself, so quietly Roman had to strain his ears to hear it. Logan hunched his shoulders forward slightly, arms wrapped around each other like he was trying to hold himself in a way no one else likely did. He looked so small like this, so alone, and it made Roman’s heart ache.

Roman had never seen Logan seek out a hug, or any kind of physical comfort, so he always assumed he wasn’t the type of person to enjoy that kind of thing. But the thought of him silently struggling, longing for some kind of comfort but feeling like he couldn’t have it for whatever reason made Roman’s stomach twist and turn itself into knots like a fork in spaghetti. He had to fix this.

“Logan, do you want to be held?” he asked, trying to keep his tone soft and even.

Logan hardly looked up at him, just enough to look him in the eye, before making the tiniest of nods, his face kept as still and solemn as possible. Still trying his best to look serious, even now. Roman wasted no time in crossing the room and pulling Logan into his arms, holding him in as tight of a hug as he could manage. Logan tensed for a brief moment, but quickly eased against him and softly returned the hug. Roman didn’t usually dish out hugs, more often than not it was Patton who started them, but Roman still tried his hardest to put all of his warmth, all of his care, all of his love into the embrace. He felt Logan's heart against his chest, beating rapidly but gradually slowing as he relaxed, and it only prompted him to hug him even tighter. Logan tucked his head into his shoulder with a quiet sigh, and Roman let one of his hands wander up to his head and play with his hair. That got him a small whine from Logan, who only pressed himself even further into Roman. He had no idea Logan could be like this, and he felt both lucky upon getting the chance to see him drop his guard and full of regret at having been the reason he was on guard to begin with.

“May I ask you something?” Logan asked him, voice slightly muffled by Roman’s shoulder.

“Of course,” he answered, voice slightly shaky with emotion.

“Why are you being so nice to me now?”

Roman bit back the tears that started to cloud his vision. Even now, Logan wouldn’t let himself accept this. “Because I realized just how mean I’ve been to you, and I don’t want to keep doing that. I want to be nicer, to do better. And I know it’ll take me a while to get it right, but I want to try. I want to do what I can to fix this, if you’ll let me. I want to see you smile again, Logan.”

Logan finally pulled back, just enough to look Roman in the eye. His eyes were shining with unshed tears, but they sparked with a faint glimmer of hope.

“And don’t worry, I would never want to make you feel ashamed for something like this. As far as I’m concerned, nothing happened tonight at all. Your secret’s safe with me, scouts honor.”

“You’re not a scout, Roman,” Logan replied. He rolled his eyes again as he said this, but this time it was with a fond exasperation as opposed to the scorn from before.

“Maybe not,” Roman said with a grin, “so how about a princes honor? Is that good enough?”

Logan smiled at him, and the dark clouds in Roman vanished. “It’s good enough for me.”

@britt-ish123 @lio-the-chaotic-nonbeanie-weenie @rougeside4 @oatmeal-stans-the-trash-rat @nico-the-overlord @keitaisghost @can-i-take-a-stab @new-zee-land

[astraymetronome]

Chapter 3

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 4

Sorry, this took so long to get out! I've gotten busy! My job actually just promoted me and I got my nose pierced.

His lungs were screaming as he ran. Flying was one hell of a risk considering that he didn’t want to rush through the potion in his system. He only had one of each and, even if it was faster, he couldn’t risk it. Tommy needed to get somewhere, anywhere, he could hide and act like he didn’t have a living thing in his stomach. Nausea was swelling up his throat as he ran but Tommy was well aware he wouldn’t actually purge his stomach or anything similar. 

The teen could feel the snow under his feet, he could feel the cold sapping through his entire body as he rushed from the city towards a cabin set deep in the snowy tundra. Making a journey completely unprepared was dumb regardless of everything, but doing it into a snow-covered land was even more ignorant but that wasn’t what Tommy cared for.

All he needed to do was run until his head was clear and he reached his destination! Techno was far enough away to be hard to locate which was a good thing, but the worst thing was that he was rough to reach in a bad situation. 

Tommy panted as he gave a very sheepish whine, his nausea was getting worse from the combination of stimuli. His feet hurt, his stomach hurt, his lungs hurt, Fuck. Everything hurts! He figured it wasn’t a good sign, considering his ungodly pain tolerance. He just needed to get to that shack in the middle of the forest. 

The middle of this fucking huge snow-ridden forest!

He got so caught up in his head, the thoughts of his discomfort and the uneasy pit in his torso, Tommy didn’t know how to feel when, out of nowhere, a heavyweight collided with his back. A squawk left his throat as he tumbled forward, wings flaring in response. He fell into the snow as the thing on his back buried its teeth into the fluff of his cape.

The creature behind him was warm and heavy, a growl building from its throat. He felt fear wash through him for a moment before the weight shifted enough he was able to unclasp the lock around his neck and roll away from the cape. He mourned the loss of its warmth but he was quick to pull a sword from his inventory, ready and completely prepared to shed blood to protect himself. 

Tommy’s eyes landed on a medium animal, it was mostly gray and white with a small amount of tan dressing its mussel. The animal’s eyes were narrowed, a red glint resinating in the black of its pupils as his eyes drifted down. A nice deep blue collar sat around its neck as the dog growled once more. 

“Liz?” He found himself whispering. The canine’s ears perked up at the word as it left his lips, her eyes shifting from a glare to a gaze of recognition as her tail began to wag away and a small bark left her mussel. She bounded forward, acting like a puppy that hadn’t seen their mother in years. 

Despite the cold digging into his body and his knees, Tommy didn’t hesitate to chirp as he opened his arms and eagerly embraced the dog. He smiled as Liz seemed to relish in his contact, barking loudly as she was pet and he scratched behind her ears. Her warmth was welcomed with how freezing his limbs felt from the surroundings. 

A pressure hit the side of his stomach, clearly some kind of swing or hit from the man inside Tommy held in a groan as he continued to embrace the animal. It didn’t take a genius to guess what the reason behind the attack was. Dream probably was still angry and confused about the situation going on outside, plus he also had a reason to show his discontent with the teen. A sharp whistle interrupted his situation as Liz’s ears shot up. She jumped off of him, quickly turning to face the source of the sound. Tommy recognized the pitch and knew who had made the high call. 

His eyes drifted upwards, a familiar mask slipping into view as he noticed the hulking figure stepping closer. Red eyes slid through the holes in the skull, showing the person behind it. A nice watermelon pink draped over his brother’s shoulders, the braid of hair resting over his right shoulder. Techno was still wearing his signature white dress shirt and black slacks. The jabot around his neck was still ruffled and ironed in the way it always was with the green emerald pendent still just above his clavicle. His red cloak, just like the one normally draped across his own shoulders, still holding the bloody shade of crimson and the white fluff of his collar hugging his neck and meshing well with the golden clasp. His tail swished out to the side, peaking out from under the draping fabric as it slipped through the snow.

“Tommy.”

The piglin’s voice seemed surprised and confused but, ultimately, it was guarded. The blonde wasn’t going to judge him. His brother deserved to feel skceptical and unsure about his presence considering their past relationship and how the avian had treated his older brother. He had betrayed his flock, Techno’s sounder had betrayed him and that was considered unforgivable for a brute. He didn’t deserve any forgiveness or anything of that related sort but he still cared for his brother and the hybrid deserved to be aware of what he was doing. 

“Hey… It’s... It’s nice to see you Technoblade.” He told his older brother, the look of hesitance steeling as the brute lifted his crossbow. Tommy lifted his hands, trying to show he meant no harm. Liz glanced back and forth between the two of them, the confusion visible in her little face. She seemed drawn to the tension between the two of them, tempted to join her human and grow defensive but also desiring to go love and cuddle with the boy she hadn’t seen in about a year. 

“Why are you here, Theseus.” The tone in his voice as it passed by his brother’s tusks left no room for argument or even an attempt to lie through his teeth. Tommy simply sighed as he looked up, he got up, picked up his sword, and put it in his inventory, before holding his hands up with a small anxious smile. 

“I know as of right now, it looks like I just need help. I do, but that's not the main reason I’m here.” He told him as he looked up at his older brother. Tommy could feel his nerves flooding his body and causing a slight tremble in his lip as he fought the instinctual desire to cling to his flock and beg forgiveness. He was bound to eventually but, he couldn’t give in until he was completely sure that everything was understood. Techno had a look in his eyes, one that said he was curious and unsure of what he wanted or even needed to know. 

The small tilt of his brother’s head was enough to tell him to keep going, so he listened. 

“Dream.. It involves Dream. Since you already paid back what you owed to him, and I promise I’m not here to cause trouble! I figured you were the only person I could go to about this…” He explained kind of periodically. He also brought his hands close, despite the desire to talk with his hands he made sure to keep them in sight and where they wouldn’t be seen as a threat or anywhere near that. 

“And what makes you think I’d help you with anything involving that homeless prick.” The brute specified as he looked at his little brother. The older hybrid looked angered as he went ahead and moved forward to do something, what that was Tommy had no idea but he wasn’t gonna just take it.

He could feel his nerves spiking as he gave an anxious noise before speaking once more. “I trapped him!” He said quickly. 

Techno seemed to pause at his admission. The piglin paused as he blinked a little, clearly confused and it showed. “Heh?” The man exclaimed as he looked down towards the dog near his side. Liz simply looked back at him, being the same as she ever was, just a confused little dog who seemed happy to be around two of her favorite people. His older brother gave a sigh before he simply lifted up his crossbow and reached a hand out. 

“We can talk about this at my cabin. You’ve got no shoes on, Theseus.” Tommy found himself blinking at that, he felt confused but he looked down and, just like Techno said, he’d forgotten his shoes in his rush to get someone else. The hybrid let out a chirp, his gaze drifting back up as he watched his older brother.

promise.

The brute chuffed in response and the avian’s instincts took that as confirmation that they would be talking this out. Techno didn’t hesitate to pick up the cape in the snow, holding it out towards the blonde without a second thought. 

Tommy took it after just a second as he made sure to adjust how he stood and tried to keep his feet close to eachother. Liz didn’t hesitate to move forwards and wind her way between his legs and forcing them to have a more reasonable distance. 

He began to fall in step behind the brute, watching his brother’s back as the cape over his shoulder’s moved in motion with his body and his tail. If the avian was honest, he wanted to just cling to his older brother due to how badly his instincts screamed. Tommy straight up had someone he wanted to hide from inside of his fucking body. His mind was pissed at him for being so chill about having his abuser inside of his stomach, his instincts were also torn, still feeding off the imprint he’d formed throughout exile. 

No one knew about it. 

Not Techno. Not Dream. Not even Phil. 

<em>Not a single person was going to know.</em>

He brought his hands to his chest, fighting with his flock desire to hold onto Techno. 

They’d been walking for about five minutes before the piglin gave a sigh, sounding exasperated as they both came to a stop. “Come here, kid.” Techno said without much room for argument. Tommy felt confused, looking at his older brother as he stepped closer. 

The moment Tommy was within arm’s length, his older brother pushed his crossbow into his inventory before his arms moved and…

Scooped him up.

A startled chirp left the avian as he was picked up. He was not used to being treated like a small child, considering he hadn’t really been around his older brother. Tommy was very used to being treated as younger than he was, it was the reason he held such a defensive response when being called a child or something similar. Despite how much he wanted to yell and hit as he was picked up, he didn’t have the energy. 

“Put me down, Techno..” He whispered as he was held. Liz looked up at him, tail wagged faster as she perked up. it almost seemed as if the canine thought they were playing around. His brother simply shook his head as he spoke.

“You’re walking barefoot in the snow. I should have done this sooner. Calm down, Theseus.”

Tommy couldn’t argue with that. 

____

Dream could feel everything around him shift. The walls against his back and knees were warm, in an uncomfortable way, and slick. It stuck to him every time he had to move his body. The hybrid couldn’t believe where he was sitting right now, a part of him was preening at the probabilities and possibilities this could open up for kinds of torture and manipulation. The other half was screaming at how unnatural this was!

He held back the desire to scream and yell until he got Tommy to submit. He wanted out of the teenager! He didn’t want to be stuck in some stupid bird’s stomach or even close to this environment. The sound of his own heart pounding in his ears was drowned out by the teen’s heart among the sounds of his stomach and the wooshing of his every breath. 

His surroundings were moving without breath, clearly Tommy was being active with the amount of acids that pooled around his hips. “When I get out of here, I’m gonna fucking kill you!” He barked out, his ears twitching as acid dripped down from the fundus above him. Dream moved his hands to the sides, pushing them into the rugae in order to ground himself. 

He shifted his weight, moving onto his lower back as he braced himself with one leg. The sheep hybrid was panting as he reared back a leg, quick to try and kick the wall in front of him. It didn’t come to fruition as he was thrown around, hearing a grunt come from above. A smirk spread across Dream’s face, a sick satisfaction growing in his gut at the teen’s pain. 

“Suck it.” He muttered to himself.

____

Tommy could still feel Dream kicking and pushing around inside his abdomen. It was causing more nausea to grow, more than he’d like to admit, but the good thing was that he was at least close to having this all taken care of. He knew the pots were still working in his system, able to feel it under his skin, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t be lasting much longer. 

The arms that were wrapped around his body were nice. Techno hadn’t held Tommy on his back, which should have been expected, instead literally holding him in a bridal carry. It wasn’t uncomfortable.

Not in the slightest.

The brute was warm in comparison to the freezing cold of the snowing biome around them. Piglin’s were naturally warmer than humans because they lived in the nether, so it made sense for hybrids to have a higher temperature as well. Tommy wasn’t going to complain regardless.

Once they got to the cabin, he felt tired. So much had been going on today, a mix of mental and physical stress that really caused him to feel this exhausted. He had a feeling he’d be sent home tomorrow. No matter how mad his older brother got, Techno was not the monster everyone assumed he was. The hybrid wouldn’t force him out into the snow without shoes or proper clothes. 

“Technoblade?” Tommy mumbled, looking up at his brother. Liv had rushed to the porch, eagerly waiting outside the door as her tail thumped loudly against the wood boards below her. His brother hummed, the sound rumbling in his chest as he showed his attention. 

“Why?” He asked as his brother set him down. He watched as the boar pushed his hand into his pocket, pulling out a key with a swift motion. 

“Let’s talk inside.” He said simply. Tommy found his eyes drifting up towards the mask. He locked his gaze with the man as he gave a small sigh. He probably should get inside before the hybrid changed his mind. 

As the door closed and the lights were switched on, Liz barked as she ran towards where the other dogs were curled up. A handful of the ones Techno had left were all over the living room. He couldn’t help but smile as he took a step towards them before a hand was placed on his shoulder, leading him towards the kitchen instead. 

His nerves were screaming as he stepped towards the area. His stomach shifted with his nerves, the organ squeezing around the small form that sat inside. He couldn’t help but hug his abdomen, feeling self-conscious of the lump that sat under his shirt. It was pretty impalpable, the smallest of bumps settled just under his rib cage where his stomach sat. He gave a wince, feeling bloated despite the fact he was well aware he wasn’t. 

Tommy stepped towards the counter, instinctively plopping himself onto the cold tile. It had been a pretty common occurrence back when the avian had been living with his older brother. Their dad had explained it as a desire to be in high places, something all bird hybrids were wired to enjoy. The teen found it strange, it wasn’t like sitting here made much of a difference for height but he liked it. Though… this did get him thinking.

“Where’s Phil?” He asked, keeping his arms around his belly in order to feel a sense of privacy. He couldn’t help feeling exposed since he was well aware Techno was far more perspective than others on the server. 

The brute seemed to sigh at the question, it was almost as if Tommy wasn’t the first to ask it. Techno simply walked towards the oven, placing a pot on the burner and turning it on. The blonde watched his older brother get out some cocoa, milk, and sugar before beginning to combine them in the pot. “Dad is on vacation. He’s had enough of the cold.” 

That… actually made sense. The only reason his brother enjoyed the Arctic was because it helped him regulate his hibernation and keep a proper internal clock. It was weird to think such a cold environment would help a nether hybrid live an easier life. Either way, Tommy was glad Techno had a way to live comfortably. His brother deserved it after… everything. 

“Either way, we’re not going to ignore what you said in the forest.” The older man said simply as he began to stir the concoction he’d started to make. Tommy knew it wasn’t going to be avoided but he didn’t know how to word it. It would be pretty weird to just blurt what he did out loud but, he didn’t see any other options. It was gonna have to be told sooner or later. 

“I don’t know how to say it Tech, it’s… weird.” Tommy found himself mumbling as he looked towards his feet, kicking them slightly. He didn’t know how to continue, but Tehno’s next action surprised him. A hand settled on his knee, giving him a reassuring squeeze before a mug was pushed into his hands, warming the frostbitten fingers. The avian took notice of the blood pooling around his nail beds, which explained why his hands were hurting. Tommy knew he had a bad habit of ripping them from his fingers, it used to be nail-biting in Logshire and it had developed into something worse.

“That’s okay, I’ll listen regardless.” The piglin said as he took Tommy’s free hand and began to look over his fingers. The blonde was well aware his brother wasn’t happy with what he saw, but he also knew Techno would’t judge him for the bad habit. 

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he let his eyes shift from the mug to the red ones in front of him. He was unsure how his brother would answer but… he no longer had any excuses to avoid the topic.

“I ate Dream.”

[linkstem]

Introject Ask Game!

1. What's your name and source?

I'm Blue from the The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords manga

2. What type of introject are you? (Fictive, factive, etc.)

I'm a fictive

3. How connected do you feel to your source?

All of it happened to me and stuff so like,,, really connected I guess. I think it really helped us as a system cause it can be interpreted as a really nice DID metaphor... Even though we had no idea we were a system when we read it

4. Do you have any exomemories? What's your favourite one?

I remember my whole sourcce but I dunno about a favorite,,,

5. What do you think of your source's fandom?

I FUCKING LOVE THESE GUYS

6. Do you have any sourcemates in your system?

Red, Green, and Vio!! There's some Zelda fictives from other games/aus I dunno if they count

7. Have you ever met any sourcemates outside your system?

We're friends with a BOTW Link and Zelda, and we know a Saria, we wanna meet more!

8. Have you ever posted/sent a sourcecall anywhere? Did it help you find sourcemates?

I never really felt the need to

9. What do you think are your biggest differences from/similarities to your source?

Uhh it's not really a difference cause I still did all that stuff but I kinda cringe looking back on our source cause I was really different when we first drew the Four Sword. I don't really know how to fight and stuff anymore too, so that kinda sucks

10. Do you like being compared to your source?

Yeah, I mean, that's me!!

11. What's your favourite thing about your source?

I guess the characters, feels kinda weird to call us that, but yeah! The five of us are my favorite thing about it, our interactions make us happy

12. What's your least favourite thing about your source?

FUCK THE GERUDO YOURE SO COOL BUT WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO RACIST FOR JUST STOP BEING RACIST

13. Any funny exomemories?

This one time Green was playing with paper boats in the water and Shadow pushed him in so we all had to jump in after him and try to pull him out!!

14. Does your appearance differ from your source's appearance?

I have more dirty blondeish hair than my canon hair, and the side part is styled kinda different? And I wear blue earrings!

15. What other role, if any, do you have in the system?

We're still figuring all that out, I think I might be a caretaker though.

16. If you could go back to the life you had in your exomemories/source, would you?

HAHA FUCK NO I have a super cool boyfriend and extended found family now

Seriously though? I miss the castle and stuff, if I could take him and all my other friends with me I would totally go back, Hyrule beats this place any day

17. Does this universe differ at all from the one in your exomemories/source?

Yeah theres fucking weird new technology and sland i DONT understand and there's a SEVERE LACK OF COOL SWORDS AND HORSES AND SHIT

18. What's your favourite clothing item/ accessory that the system owns?

I like our blue scarf!

19. Do you have any merch of your source?

We have Toon Link and Toon Zelda plushies...

20. Do you ever get homesick? If yes, what do you do to deal with it?

Not reallyy, I mean its better but I dont really dwell on it, the people matter more than the place and I have all the people

21. What songs remind you of your source?

Those Hyrule Lofi things are cool

22. What activities/things remind you of your source?

Playing Breath of the Wild? That kinda feels like cheating though

23. Do you like engaging with your source/ content about it?

Yeah!! Everyones so funny and sometimes fan stuff helps me remember things I forgot

24. Have you ever created content related to your source? (Art, fanfiction, etc.)

Yeah, our host likes to draw so we make a lot of drawings and stuff, I like doing whiteboards with our friends. We also used to "roleplay" before we knew we were actually just plural

25. How do you feel about doubles?

I mean, there's already four of me so I'm kinda numb to it, I've met other Blue kinnies and stuff, they're cool!

[pbandjesse]

I had a pretty good day despite still feeling down. I am for sure getting used to the noises of this neighborhood. The ebbs and flows. But that did not stop me from being absolutely startled awake this morning. I had woken up around 6 because my nose was really dry. I opened the window to get some air and went back to sleep.

I was startled awake by someone knocking on someone else's door outside. Scared me so bad because I couldn't tell if it was our door being knocked on. I am not sure what that sounds like yet. But it was not our door. And I would calm down.

I got cleaned up and dressed. I was still coughing and felt kind of terrible. But I thought eating might make me feel better.

I had more luck creating an omelette today. And it was good. I spent some time moving some things around. I hung up a little hook for James to put their wedding rings while they cook. And and I worked in our bedroom putting little hooks on the wall for my necklaces. I used a piece of blue tape and it came out super straight and I'm very proud of myself.

I have not don't any of my knitting this month so I sat for an hour and a half cutting the yarn and tying it all together. I was sitting in bed with sweetp and just working on my loom and listening to a spooky story podcast and watching the world out the window. I saw someone chase their puppy and slip in the rain. There are a lot of dogs in this neighborhood. I was coughing hard enough that someone walking past looked up and we may have made eye co tact but I'm not sure he could actually see me. But I did my knitting and it felt nice seeing it come together. Though this second type of yarn I got absolutely sucks and sheds like crazy. Will not buy again.

Once I was done knitting I decided to start tackling the basement. But I needed to go to Home Depot first.

I grabbed my stuff and drove the 15 minutes down the road. This was a very messy Home Depot. Carts and carts of stuff everywhere. But the staff I spoke to was kind. I had some trouble finding things. I wanted to look at shutters but apparently you can't buy them basically anywhere which is insane. But I was able to be directed to the wire racks and a staff member even gave me a cart. I decided to get two for now but I will probably get two more. They were a little more expensive then I was hoping but it's fine.

It was starting to rain as I headed home. I was able to get the same parking spot which was cool. Right outside the door. I brought the boxes in and felt a little dizzy. This has been the second most annoying thing. How dizzy I keep getting. How winded. But I try and power through. Sipping water helps.

Sweetp desperately wants to be in the basement. And I decided today to let him explore and maybe he'll get it out of his system. What he did get was absolutely covered in spider webs but he seemed so happy. Later he would become covered in red dust. Its funny hearing him walking on the duct work.

I would struggle to build the wire shelves. The first one just was not working but once I sat down and tried again I figured out what I had done wrong and then both of them came together easy. For now one shelf is all the camping and summer gear. And the other is all holiday stuff. It's not perfect but it was a start. I also got eveything down from the landing and used the cubby shelf to organize James bike stuff. And moved all the fans and heaters and suitcases to under the stairs. And then I moved one of the tables to the basement and it really just felt like it was coming together so well. I'm really pleased.

This took a few hours though. Around 230 my back hurt a lot and I needed a break. I warmed up my chipotle from yesterday and made it into a burrito. I was sitting in the kitchen eating and watching TikToks when I saw a video of someone watching the last song from Hamilton and I started sobbing?? Just absolutely broke down. I needed to go lay down.

So that is what I did. I got in bed with sweetp and fell asleep.

James's smartwatch, which was on the windowsill, picked up the music they were listening to when they came upstairs and scared me awake again. I was not feeling amazing but I was really happy to see them. They said whenever I was ready we could head to the apartment.

I needed a minute to shake off my sleepies. Drink a bunch of water. But then I was ready.

We drove over there and got right to work. I was really happy to see my fish Ari was doing great. His eye is all better. I also got to see Omelet. I got everyone some new water and some food. Ari even let me give him a little pet. I'm so glad he's doing better.

We brought three boxes with us so I just started picking up any odds and ends I could find and I think we did an excellent job. James finished taking things off the walls. And went to go do our laundry while I collected trash and swept. We would fill three boxes with stuff. And the. Took all the curtains down. And we used all the totesbags we brought to collect our books. Still more books to collect but we had no more bags.

We were there for a while. Once the clothes were done we loaded up the car. Mostly James did. I completely ran out of steam and needed to sit down. So I wanted in the car until James grabbed the last few things we could fit with the clean clothes. And we headed to get dinner.

When I was at Home Depot earlier I saw there was a diner across the street so we went there. Turns out it was on diner drive ins and dives. Neat. And it is like one of those amazing chrome diners. Those are always my favorite ones. The staff was really nice. And the food was good. We were sort of watching the super bowl on the TV. James spoke Spanish with the staff. It was a nice stop.

I was exhausted though and very happy to go home. James told me to go keep Sweetp in our room and they would bring everything inside. And once they did I moved the rugs we brought over to the rooms they will probably stay in. They are shockingly dirty though. They feel bad under my feet. I will have to see about getting a carpet cleaner soon. Because gross.

But it's so nice seeing the house slowly coming together. Like seeing the apartment so empty hurts my heart a little. It feels so bittersweet. But the house is already filled with so much love and it's just so great.

I would take a quick shower. And do my drawing of the day. And now I am in bed trying to not cough my brains out. I am really tired.

Tomorrow James is going to go for a long bike and I hope to do some more putting away. We might make some more runs from the apartment. I also just hope it's a good day.

Sleep well everyone. I love you all. Goodnight!

[dausy]

Well I've been daily updating twitter ofcourse. I kind of at the last moment decided I was going to do a daily doodle thing. I did this years ago, where I drew something every day for a year. I'm not doing a full illustration this time just really simple, essentially a couple lines and thats it. Just to help the creative juices flowing. I probably wont stick it out for an entire year but I keep getting myself backed up into an artistic corner and I want to back back out of it and find a new corner. Instead while I've been doing that, I've also been using it as an excuse to update the status of my current ailment.

so essentially, I had already self-diagnosed myself with the flu but I did go ahead and made an urgent care appointment on Saturday (?). I will say that I normally get a flu shot, every year, I did not get one this year. Next year I will definitely be getting one. I definitely got this from my coworkers and theres was like 3x milder than mine. My immune system was not prepared.

I did not want to physically go to urgent care because I didn't feel safe driving. I was super short of breath and I felt very drunk (because its in my ears! my ears are messed up). Also, didn't want to sit in a waiting room when sitting up sounded like a lot of effort and besides, what is urgent care going to tell me that I dont already know? viruses are treated with rest and fluids and thats it. However, I assumed my boss was going to be on top of me for some sort of a work note even though I'm not a full time employee and I dont feel like I should need one but I had agreed to work on monday and if I called in she'd probably pitch a fit. I discovered, thanks to the local spouse groups, that there was a local mobile urgent care. They came to my house! I schedule an appointment and they came out about an hour later. The most convenient thing ever. They apparently didn't take my insurance so they charged me 179$ out of pocket but I wasn't going to complain. I didn't have to go anywhere. I could track the MA on gps and they sent me his photo so I didn't "have to be scared" lmao. It was all very nice.

I had already tested myself for covid and it was negative. I was tempted to start myself on prednisone (because I practically have an entire pharmacy at home) but HR was a good 115 and adding steroid to that sounded not fun. Normally my HR runs 60s if Im calm and 80s if Im stressed. 115 with steroids on board didn't sound like fun. My 02 was dropping to 93 when I was up and walking around but it would go back up to the high 90s. This poor MA came with a laptop that virutally connected to a PA and they were like "what do you want me to do for you?" like I guess I mainly just wanted to make sure that I was safe to be at home and I have evidence I saw some sort of healthcare person as proof.

I oddly enough didn't have much of a cough until about yesterday. I was feeling short of breath and when I did cough I'd cough gunk up but mainly it just hurt to cough but it wasn't frequent at all. Now I'm coughing alot. The worst part was the hot/cold flashes. I completely drenched the bed in sweat. I've never seen that much water come off of me. I literally touched the valley of my stomach and it was a puddle. I splished my hands in it. I would alternate between uncontrollable sweating to then freezing to death. I thought I'd be over it and I washed all my linens yesterday and then last night, just sweat everywhere. Which was annoying because I felt....nagged..?..guilttripped? to go into work today by my boss. Like I was faking it..I couldnt possibly be sick that long(my coworkers recovered in 2 days)..maybe I was crazy and I wasn't sick?

so I did! I WENT TO WORK TODAY. My coworkers were actually fine. They said they were actually surprised they handled things well without me. I'm simultaneously proud of them and really aggravated that I went in. Because I really did feel terrible. I realized real fast how weak I was and my brain was not functioning. I even gave myself the easiest roll I could where I was off in a corner away from people and I was struggling. I was struggling to walk and I was struggling to stand. My partner at work let me know how bad I looked too. I apparently looked like a frail old lady. Which was nice.

So I went home. My boss is like "wait where you going?". I guess in her defense she came equipped with a bunch of throat lozenges for me but I didn't have a sore throat. I have no energy and cant breath. So I'm going home. I dont work tomorrow btw.

[imogenkol]

one talking to the other when they think they’re asleep - Imogen and Bix 🥺

wow this has been aging in my inbox like fine wine... Luckily I was in a sudden and desperate need of writing something totally sappy and gross so thank you so much Mari and sorry this took forever to get to! 💕

The suns had set long ago and a peaceful stillness settled upon the interior of the ship. Imogen ran her fingers through Bix’s hair as the mechanic rested her head in the bounty hunter’s lap. A bright moon shone through the windows and bathed the women in its silver light, providing enough illumination for Imogen to gaze down at her beloved with the utmost fondness. Bix’s eyes rested shut, though her breathing had not yet fully evened out. Sleep would no doubt consume them both soon, the comfort of their closeness on the cot soothing their minds and bodies. 

“I’ve had a thought,” Imogen said in a low tone so as to not disrupt the mood.

“Just one?” Bix mumbled tiredly without opening her eyes.

She let out a soft breath of amusement. “Well, one I find to be quite pleasant.”

“Let’s hear it.” 

“I know there hasn’t been any shortage of moments for us to share, but…” Something in Imogen’s chest seized and made it difficult to form the proper words. She had always viewed herself as a well spoken person, but suddenly her mind turned into a stumbling and disorganized place as she struggled to articulate a desire within her. “Given the, um, small reprieve as of late, I wondered… Well, there are a few systems that have not been completely ravaged by the Empire and I suppose some are even worth the effort to visit. I could take us anywhere you wish, just for a day or two. I thought you might appreciate some semblance of normalcy. W-with me. If only for a short amount of time.”

There was silence. Imogen braved a glance down and studied Bix closely for a few moments, taking note of the steady rise and fall of her chest. It seemed the mechanic had quietly drifted off against her. A small sigh of relief escaped the bounty hunter’s lungs as she realized with a flush of distaste that childish nerves were what overtook her. Imogen had very nearly made an utter fool of herself. Still, she felt a twinge of disappointment. It would have been nice to hear Bix’s response. 

“I… I would very much like to share a pleasant meal with you,” Imogen whispered more to herself than to Bix at that point. She continued to caress the slumbering woman’s hair soothingly as she divulged in her own fantasy. “Somewhere by a lake or an ocean where we can watch their sun melt into the water. Where I may memorize your carefree smile.” 

Imogen pictured all of the lovestruck fools she had observed on her travels, so consumed with themselves that the rest of the galaxy may as well not exist. As much as she felt disgusted by them, she often wondered what that must be like. It had always been a morbid curiosity. Until she held her mechanic in her arms.

“A place where we may forget about things such as war.” She quietly uttered that last hope as if it were the smallest spark of a match that might just as easily burn out as it could bloom into a comforting flame. 

“I like the sound of that,” Bix responded in such a hushed tone that it barely reached Imogen’s ears. 

A weight in the bounty hunter’s chest suddenly plummeted as her eyes snapped back down. It appeared as if Bix were still asleep at first, but then Imogen saw the smallest upturn at the corner of her mouth. “I did not think you were awake.”

“I was right on that edge,” she said as she turned herself to gaze up at Imogen. “Then I realized you were asking me to go out with you.”

Imogen sighed and rolled her eyes. “You make it sound so undignified.”

“Well, we don’t all speak as proper as a Jedi from Coruscant.”

The former Inquisitor nearly scoffed at the playful jab. “I am neither a Jedi nor am I from Coruscant. Not technically, at least.”

Bix cocked a brow. “So you weren’t technically asking me out?”

“We are together,” Imogen stated incredulously. “Why would I need to?”

“Because I love to hear it, sweetheart.”

“Don’t call me that,” Imogen complained with a smirk she could not fully dampen. 

“But it’s true,” the mechanic insisted smugly. She reached up to cup the back of Imogen’s neck and pulled her down. After barely a beat of resistance, Imogen surrendered and allowed her lips to fall onto her beloved’s. Bix grinned in between their kisses as she continued to taunt her. “You are a sweetheart. And a romantic, as it turns out.”

Imogen no longer refuted. She never could when a kiss muddled her mind such as this one – and every other kiss from her mechanic – did. Imogen would be anything that Bix claimed her to be as long as she got to feel the softness of her lips caressing hers. 

Her hand came to rest on her beloved’s cheek, her thumb gently brushing across flushed skin. “Cease your ridiculous teasing and agree to come away with me.”

“Do you remember the last time you asked me?”

Of course she did. Though that had been more of a plea to keep Bix safe after the disaster that Cassian caused… before the true storm struck. “I recall your refusal.” 

“I should have said yes to you then.” Bix’s lips delicately passed over Imogen’s again. Less of a kiss and more of an acknowledgment of her regret. “So I’m saying yes now. It’s probably going to be the last chance we ever get to do something nice together.” 

Imogen would exercise all of her efforts in order to prove those last words false. If that meant pledging herself to a rebellion she did not fully believe in, then so be it. Perhaps she did not deserve to see the end of war, but Bix did. Bix deserved more than a taste of peace and Imogen had every intention to offer her that as well as her full devotion. So, Imogen would selfishly seize every opportunity to enjoy a moment of the life they could have.

[pumaloafing]

A Long-Winded Review of Suikoden III

Let's start with the things I liked about Suikoden 3.

Treasure Bosses: These were a fun addition, I liked farming them for loot, which oftentimes was better than anything you could buy at a given time. I was happy to find out they respawned probably farmed them more than I should have.

More Characterization: The last two Suikoden games have had very little characterization, none for 90% of the cast, even the main characters were blank slates. Here the cast has much more character.

Support Characters: I think these were a good addition, giving characters who would otherwise be literally useless at least some purpose, though that said I generally went with Goro as much as possible as he healed as much or more than Tuta and also cured status ailments.

Now let's move on to the things I have mixed feelings about.

The Skill System: At first I thought this was a fun addition, but eventually I realized there was actually very little choice involved in maximizing the potential of each character, melee characters were focused in certain areas, though some mage characters at least had a choice of which element to try and use (though some were specialists). Also, in the previous game if you wanted to try a new character you could just buy them new gear and quickly level them, now with the skill system it takes a lot more effort for a character to 'catch up'.

The World Map: I actually don't really like overworlds so much, so at first this was a nice change of pace, though I feel the main point of the design was to prevent you from going certain places at certain times. The main issue I have is the little battle zones between towns. The past two games had an extremely low encounter rate on the world map, while going from town to town in three felt tedious. I couldn't get Viki and the Blinking Mirror fast enough.

Game Length: This game is rather long, though not unusual for a JRPG, but I found it to be longer than the first two games combined, and I certainly took my time in those first two games. Admittedly I did grind a lot in 3, but even the average playtime on 'howlongtobeat' is lower than my combined playtime of 1 and 2.

Game Difficulty: I played 1 and 2 just prior to playing this game, I played them on their newly added Hard Modes, and didn't have any difficulty. I actually had multiple game overs in 3... but while I liked the increased difficulty.. my deaths mostly felt like artificial difficulty, usually dying because my party got nuked down before I could react. My first encounter with the final boss ended with 4/6 of my party down from 5 AoE attacks in a row on the first turn, for example.

War Battles: At first I thought the War Battles in 3 were quite fun, "Oh neat, they use your actual characters for the War Battles" ... but by the end it was more "Oh god I need to level a ton of characters for the War Battles".

And now onto the list of things I disliked about Suikoden 3.

Friendly Fire: This is the game about the Flame Champion who gets the True Fire Rune... and fire magic is at its worst in this game, with four out of the six spells potentially killing your own allies. There is a skill to help prevent this, but it's a Unique Skill that very few characters get. I think the friendly fire might be to tie into the plot about how the True Fire Rune killed a large number of people.. but that doesn't mean it's fun.

Movement In Battle: This system was incredibly annoying, it added time to each turn in combat and it was pretty vague on how far each character could move, a character may ignore your commands to attack a target because it's too far away, or because so many people are surrounding it that they can't get in a shot.

Movement Out of Battle/The Camera: Movement on the field in this game felt quite slow, I was playing the game at 2x speed and it still felt like it took forever to traverse anywhere, and this was not helped by the shitty camera. Speaking of playing at 2x speed...

General Slowness: In general the game just felt slow, I blame this on being the series first 3D game, the animations were longer, combat in general took much longer, areas were bigger and thus took longer to traverse, the movement speed was very slow. Even on 2x speed this felt slower than the first two games.

Party Management: In the second game you could interact with party members not in your party if you used facilities in your base. Buying new equipment, upgrading their weapons, swapping runes, etc. For some reason they took that away, in a game where you need many more battle ready characters than before.

THE PAIRING SYSTEM: This is by and large my most hated aspect of the game. Hey, who wants control over only half of their characters!? I realize this is to make you consider formation more, but in general it was just so goddamned annoying. "Hey, let's use this big Unite Attack with Geddoe's team!" "Ok, but Aila has to defend if you do because part of her unit is involved in the unite attack". Or just the general requirement for paired unite attacks to be in.. well, a pair. Or how medicine only works on your paired partner. Mostly it was just the lack of control over every character though.

Closing Thoughts

Overall I did enjoy my time with Suikoden 3, but not by nearly as much as the last two games. I honestly wonder why this game isn't considered the black sheep over Suikoden 4.

I have played Suikoden 4 before and I remember enjoying it, but that was before I played 1 and 2, and it was also 20 years ago, so I wonder if I'd still enjoy the game if I played it again? To be honest I remember very little about the game, I know you only use 4 characters and that Ted shows up and that's about it. I guess I'll find out if I still enjoy it since that's next on my list to beat.

[between-the-clouds-and-me]

i hate my existence. everything about me feels wrong. i feel like nobody wants me to exist. i have nothing to live for and i unlearned wanting to die. today i felt i should do some sh, saw myself do it, but i couldnt be bothered because the storm is a weak breeze now. i can cry, loads and loads, but the pain is not making me want to scream anymore. you just have to live past it all and tell it to fuck off and push it away often enough and it loses its power. there are days when i want to die. but unlike others im terrified of failing. no, im terrified of going back into that horrible system... the supposed help which is more of a lesson to behave. you cant pass on what you learned and then you lose people. you are trash. they are trash. it is all your fault that you couldnt save them. like you saved yourself. half normal, half crazy, never belonging anywhere anymore. the crazies wish to be normal, but they are addicted to the crazy. i got out. but im still not normal. i will never. my past. my life. my story. there is no starting over when you never learned how normal looks like and the world is filled with nothing but insane people who think they are normal. im letting my pain show and they call me psycho. i did the tests. im the opposite. but am i? i had my times when i attacked people like a snake they stupidly stepped on. i have done things. well. i am. just sometimes. that is the other me i hold under control. but i let the too nice, too pained, too broken me out too much. i heard someone say today that insecure is ugly. im beyond insecure. it is true. insecure is not attractive, not beautiful. it is annoying and ugly and tiring. everybody wants you to shut up while you are constantly, quietly begging for help. and then you die. i could have died too. but i didnt. and now i have nothing to die for. people dont give a shit. they dont want to see the pain. you die so people understand that you needed help. whats it good for. there is no help. you live on or die, either way all the same. you die and you hurt people. you live and you hurt people. it is raining again. i love rain. im so judgemental because i needed help and support all my life but i was never worth it. care. it is called care. i hold up a mirror for them to see their ugliness. their lies. their secrets. what is it good for. they close their eyes and push me away like im pure evil. why am i like this. because all i learned was that im not worth it, that i deserved to get hurt, that i will never ever have what others can have. i live on, hoping to save myself, to create safety for myself in a world full of monsters who sometimes smile and are nice to you and talk about love. i want them to shut up. love. it makes me angry. it makes me giggle like a demon. love. whats next, god? what is wrong with all of you? you are so sick. and disgusting. and you make me cry because you teach me im not worthy of love. love doesnt even exist. just lies and insanity. maybe im just broken. maybe im just shards and everyone coming close will cut themselves. or is it me cutting them, unintentionally, intentionally. is their pain as overwhelming as mine? i dont want this life. it is a bad dream. i have to be grateful. it could be worse. at least im surviving. im good at that. but i never learned to live.

[steamishot]

T-2 months

it's now officially under two months until the big move. i can't wait. until then, there are three events to look forward to: my texan aunt and cousin visiting NYC, going to boston for a fancy whipipo wedding (my first ever) and seeing K again, and lastly, switzerland.

the 4 weeks of matt's jury duty flew by. by the last week, we had to really coordinate being out of the apartment at different times so that each person could get alone time. i would go to the lounge or ceramics when he was at home. when he was at jury duty, i would be home. he finally returns to the hospital tomorrow. he only has 2.5 more week shifts to go before its the end of this NYU era.

ceramics: lately, i've been trying to go to ceramics like 4-5x/week. i'm getting the hang of throwing things one day, trimming the next, and putting it to fire as soon as possible. even if the pieces are imperfect, i just throw them in there. i have received six pieces back so far and they're much bigger and more usable than the ones i made at my first japanese studio. i recently just made my first mug (wheel throwing for the body and handbuilding for the handle) using a not neutral latte cup for inspiration. hopefully it also comes out usable. ceramics friend LG is out of town for the month of july, but i'll see her for a little bit in august.

work: in the last 1.5 weeks or so, i've been spending 1-2 hours per day with the new hire A. in the beginning, i *felt* (but obviously did not show it) very frustrated and impatient because she was really slow. sometimes i would show her things one day, and she would not recognize it the next day. she would come off as overwhelmed with all the different types of trainings she did. when we went over different systems, it seemed she had no prior knowledge of it despite completing the trainings. anyway, i appreciate that this year, i get to teach instead of do. and i must say that it is rewarding once she actually gets it. this is also the MOST time i've ever spent with a colleague, so in a sense, it does help me feel more connected to my work.

NYC: i can appreciate NYC and the hustle and bustle of this city in increments, but every time i'm here for too long (after the first initial couple of years), i feel quite unhappy. there is a sense of "stuckness". one, because our apartment is very small. two, we lack community. and also in the grander scheme, i generally have little interest in the events/things that the city has to offer minus my ceramics and yoga classes. i can only eat so much, and i naturally prefer nature/less dense areas. i'd rather not deal with crowds anywhere - and they're pretty much everywhere here.

i learned that my general unhappiness has been directed towards picking fights with matt, or taking it out on him in general. i need to keep myself in check and try my best to keep myself busy with my own interests. only ~1.5 more months of being here to go!

vaca: this past weekend, matt and i went to miraval berkshires for the first time using chase points. we took a two hour train up north, and was picked up by a driver from the resort. they drove about another hour or so to arrive at lenox, MA. this is an all-inclusive experience that is similar to alila that we did last november. however, we had a much better experience here. the experience imo (coming from a stressed out place) is life-changing and healing. the weather, although very hot, was nice and relaxing. their food was healthy and nutritious. i'm going to miss their bone broth and golden milk shots.

our activities for three days included: kayaking, massage, fancy dinner, chicken keeping, hike, tennis, spa, lounge/read by the pool, and beekeeping. for each activity that was led by a miraval group leader, we had to practice "connect before content". we basically had to share our names and do an icebreaker for each. college-aged connie would have hated this, but i did appreciate hearing from other people and getting out of my comfort zone. they did a really good job at fostering a community feeling. it felt like a short summer camp for adults, and i wish we could have stayed even longer. there were so many classes we didn't get to try.

miraval also has digital free zones and encourages us to be without our devices as much as possible. the dining area is a digital free zone, so that we can connect/talk more with each other.

after this trip, i'm inspired to possibly one day chicken keep and beekeep, lol. it would be awesome to eat freshly laid eggs and honey from my own backyard. chickens may be my preferred "pet" of choice as of now. i had fun with tennis too and might pick it up in LA (if the courts are available). in the morning today, i was already dreading coming back to NYC. here i am and journaling to release some thoughts.

[dallasareaopinion]

Dallas Area Rapid Transit (DART) is failing Dallas

First of all I do have to admit I do not have much experience riding mass transit, however the ones I have rode are significantly much better than what Dallas is giving us right now. Second I have always felt one reason for rapid transit is to help get cars off the road. And if there is ever a city that needs to get cars off the road it is Dallas. Two other cities that could use reduced traffic that I know of are Los Angeles and Houston. I have spent some time in both of those cities and all day long traffic just doesn’t benefit anyone, however I live in the Dallas area so I will want to talk about where we stand.

I am going to speak most specifically about the train system, yet I have traveled by bus in Dallas and Austin long before the DART train system was ever built. Basically at various times in my life I have tried to do what is right for our environment and use mass transportation. And if you live in Texas you already know that is actually a bit of a chore.

My experiences using train or metro systems previously include Washington DC, London and Madrid. I first used the metro in DC when I was a teenager and outside of getting the hang of it so to speak I managed to get around quite well. It was not a large system at that time, yet it got me to where I wanted to go. I have used it since including recently with my youngest daughter who lives there now. My family once visited DC in the early 2000’s and rode it from a hotel outside of DC into downtown and it was rather nice generally speaking. By no means I am saying it is perfect, but it is definitely functional and has only minimal of the problems that Dallas has.

I spent a week or so in London while I was in college and rode their system extensively. We did not rent a car so to go anywhere we had to use their metro system. And it got us around the entire London area including riding out to the equivalent of suburbs in the United States. I was able to find some pretty unique things to do and had no trouble getting there. The trains ran regularly and same as DC has little of the same problems that plaques Dallas.

We also spent a week in Madrid and pretty much the same. We had to use the system to get around and outside of the forced marches our daughter took us on (family joke) it was very beneficial. The phrase it is just over there means something completely different to a college student than an older couple.

Another aspect of these other systems is that you can connect to trains that go to places less than a hundred miles away so there are day trip options you just don’t have from Dallas even though there are places you could go that would be entertaining for tourists visiting Dallas.

The problem is getting people to ride DART that normally drive. And I hate saying this, but DART does not manage its riders well. It is almost like DART is taking a Christian approach and letting the homeless and mentally unstable have carte blanche on their system. I saw an occasional problem in the above mentioned systems, but nothing like what goes on in Dallas. Even the regular riders that use mass transportation because they need it are frustrated.

I reread my first sentence and I guess I should clarify. I do ride DART in Dallas to get around for many reasons from going to work, to going to my doctor and for other various destinations. My wife and my oldest daughter do not want me to ride. My wife has been on DART trains and buses and she is just not comfortable with some of the clientele. And I understand why, there are people on the system that take away from feeling safe, secure, even healthy in fact way too many. Yes some people should be able to ride, but when the system is bogged down so much that regular riders are uncomfortable there is a general problem that needs to be addressed. No one wants to say it out loud because we all want to be considerate, yet for a system to work people have to see a benefit to riding it. That is not happening in Dallas and it is the people who need mass transportation to get to work, shopping or other necessities that provide the bulk of the revenue are hindered and uncomfortable and if they could they would not ride. This would of course doom DART.

I think most of the problem is a logistics problem with how DART is set up. I do not manage nor understand the management of mass transportation so I do not feel confident in making a complete overhaul recommendation, but it feels that is what is needed.

To be successful DART needs paying riders and to help make DART beneficial to Dallas many of those paying riders need to be people that would normally drive to work at the very least. And that will not happen until DART decides to address the problem with the people who are not just impoverished, but significantly marginalized. It sounds cruel, but they cannot continue to allow these people to be such a problem that other people do not want to use the system.

And I know we need to do more as a society to help the marginalized people, but if we also want to increase ridership and help those who need mass transportation to go about their daily lives, DART cannot be a surrogate answer to homelessness. I have seen fights between people who could barely understand who they are and for many average Americans they just aren’t going to accept this while riding. It is a harsh reality, but true that most Americans do not want these types of problems interfering with their lives or worse subject them to conditions that make them uncomfortable to downright scared.

I would love to continue to ride DART, but am under orders from family members not to even think about it. (I have though). It is rough when you have seen other cities do very well with their systems and outside of an occasional individual most riders are going about their general day and you feel little concern.

Management of DART may need to make some hard decisions or they will continue to struggle with limited ridership in a city that desperately needs them to fill up those trains.

And again I know we need to do more for the marginalized, yet those answers are even more difficult.